I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
You Might Also Like
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.