This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week