My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying