My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning