[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.