Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
You Might Also Like
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.