I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.