it be like that
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*