It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Beware of the dog..
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much