gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
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moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.