OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Me recordaron éste meme
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.