I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I hate my earbuds.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.