[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My work here is don’t.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕