*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
You Might Also Like
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.