[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I need to get some bricks…
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”