I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
bears
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂