I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
this chia pet tastes awful
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again