Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Never forget.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.