If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”