I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.