Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
When you don’t understand how floors work
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”