[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭