[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
“That’s what” – She
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Previously On Persistence 😎
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild