What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
wtf is an acronym
Milk Cube
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Siri: Retweet me.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.