I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know