I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
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These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
felt that
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?