I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE