I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Probably my best painting.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again