me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say