I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying