Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend