At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
our love story in four pictures
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys