Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.