I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
You Might Also Like
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
me irl
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.