If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I’d … I’d rather not.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor