[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Hard not to take this personally
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Your honor these allegations are
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…