It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
boat question
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*