The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.