WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
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Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio