I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
he was correct
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
when someone compliments me
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor