LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
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Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
reminder
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
how to have an accident 101
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.