‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.