Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
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fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.