Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
The best plant holders?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.