My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I love you…
…r dog.
concern