ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
ok hear me out: Luigiana
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.