So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early