What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.