Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I would like even faster food.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken