Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures